Allowing Love To Overcome Disappointment

love is the only alchemy for transformation  Osho

I had a realization the other day. Okay, I’ll admit it, my better half took my own words, threw them back in my face and forced me to look at a situation differently. However it happened, I learned a lesson that is sticking with me because it continues to come into my mind.

One of my children made a mistake that in my mind, was beyond a huge error in judgment. Big enough that I questioned how a child of mine could not recognize the repercussions of their actions. My disappointment  kept me awake and off balance for a couple days. I suppose that learning the facts of the situation from a third party added to my disappointment.

My realization was that my disappointment stemmed from inside me not my child’s action. It may have been obvious to you in the above statement, “a child of mine”. That is a clear indicator that my expectations weren’t being met. Disappointment is simply a byproduct of unmet expectations. The important part is they were my expectations, not my child’s.

This whole line of thinking led me to review each time I’d told someone that I was disappointed in them. I thought about my children, my siblings, my employees and even some friends. Thinking about it now, what right did I have to impose my disappointment on them?

Naturally this led me to think about what I could have said or done differently. I thought I’d share some of them with you just in case you want to rethink disappointment for yourself. I could have asked questions. How can I help you resolve this? What can I do differently so you know that you are always loved? Do you want to discuss it? How are you feeling about your choices? If you had a do over, would you behave differently? How can I help you improve?

I’m just going to stop and think about what the source is the next time I feel disappointment. If it is my own expectations, I have control over how I feel and I’m going to exercise that.

christiebakeman.com

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We all Lie!

People like Truth   Gina DeVee

Yes, we all lie. The question is where do you draw the line?

If you read that title and immediately got your feathers ruffled, that’s good because you will be open enough to consider what is written here. Let’s start with something simple. Have you ever told a child about the tooth fairy or the Easter bunny? See, sometimes we tell lies to create an illusion meant to excite or create happiness. What about telling a lie about where you are going or doing because you are trying to keep the secret of a surprise party? Those types of lies all seem reasonable and in no way do we think they affect our level of honesty. So where do you draw the line? Is a lie okay if we are trying to protect someone?

Many of us think that the truth is the truth and it doesn’t change however I would propose that the truth has to do with your beliefs about a subject more than what the reality is. From a broad standpoint, if you believe in your heart that people are basically good then you may see someone’s error in judgment as simply a mistake rather than a lie. In this circumstance, you will be likely to believe what this person says to you and accept it as the truth.

All of us have the ability to recognize when someone is telling us the truth. However, if your belief in a person or concept is strong, you may ignore the warning signs that you are being lied to. Think about a time in the past where someone you love told you something and you immediately got a funny feeling. Just as quickly you dismissed it and told yourself that you were being paranoid or unreasonable. Being aware of your feelings is important because they are your guidance system.

You are an energetic being. As all energy does, you vibrate at a frequency. Thoughts and words also have an energy, therefore a vibration that you are picking up energetically. When something is off, possibly not being the truth, we recognize it at the level of our feelings. Your awareness level of your own feelings will have an impact on your ability to identify the truth. In my past career I had training in identifying physical characteristics that occur when someone is lying, however I always found that my feelings were far more accurate. Some would refer to this as trusting your gut. Not one time did anyone begin our conversation with I’m dishonest so you can’t believe anything I say! Quite the contrary, people who are trying to convince you that they are telling the truth will say things like; honestly or you know I’d never lie to you or the truth is when they begin to tell you something. I’m just reminding you to trust your feelings and notice when something feels off to you.

Now lets flip the roles and think about a time that you lied to someone. Maybe you thought you’d be in trouble if the truth was known. Not providing the “full story” could have been your way of failing to take responsibility for your actions or words. It could be you did something intentionally that you felt was wrong and didn’t want to admit it. We’ve all done it so I’m not here to chastise you. What I do want to point out is the feeling you had about the mistruth. Did you notice you felt nervous? Did you have a pit in your stomach? Did you have the desire to avoid the person because you felt too upset near them to stay in control? Whenever you feel those types of emotions, you emit a frequency that someone else can pick up if they are aware or at least not oblivious. Just a little something for you to think about the next time you are thinking about “stretching” the truth.

If this type of article makes you think, check out my website christiebakeman.com

Normal vs Extraordinary

The most wonderful thing about this life is the fact that you continually have an opportunity to create something different.

It doesn’t matter what circumstances you woke up to this morning. You have the opportunity to create something different than you experienced yesterday, if that is what you choose. Unfortunately most of us don’t recognize that fact. We feel stuck. We’ve accepted that our lives are what they are and we need to suck it up and just learn to deal with it.

Nothing could be further from the truth and I’ll share why. First, can we agree that whatever circumstances we become accustomed to become our normal? We continue to do the same things until they are such an ingrained habit, we don’t give them much thought. We become complacent and comfortable and live inside our little box where we feel safe and protected. Thus we continue to react in the same manner and achieve the same results.

Have you ever thought about what would happen if you broke the chain of habitual thinking and did something different? Of course you have. We daydream about making different choices and what would result from those choices all the time. Most of the time we talk ourselves out of it, whatever it is, because we think it would be irresponsible to do anything that isn’t consistent with how we’ve been living.

If we could accept that we are responsible for all of the circumstances in our lives, would it influence our decisions? I think it would. I find it amusing that it usually takes a big slap upside the head from the universe to get us to recognize that our habitual thinking and behaviors aren’t going to produce something different than we’ve already gotten. This happened to me twice within four years. One of those circumstances resulted in my divorce which I’ve written about in prior blogs so I won’t repeat it here.

The second situation involved my job. I’d been writing more and more in my spare time and talked about writing a book with my family. However I felt it would be downright ridiculous and irresponsible to leave my job so I could spend more time writing. I had deeply held believes about what I was responsible for but there were gaps in my thinking so I never took it all the way to being 100% responsible for my results. That said, I felt stuck. There was something I wanted to do however I believed that I needed my job to survive. Much of this had to do with my beliefs about how to make money. In walks the universe with a giant sense of humor. The company I worked for announced a change in the geographic location I would be responsible for and my windshield time was going to triple. I saw this as the universe forcing me to step out of my comfort and make a new choice.

When we step away from our normal way of thinking and doing things, the possibility of creating something extraordinary becomes a reality. It may not be world changing however any shift outside our normal will result in dramatic changes in our lives. That can and does feel extraordinary to us. Once we are able to examine our beliefs, make a change in our thinking and take action, something interesting happens. We begin to look at other beliefs and habits. That increase in awareness is not something we can ignore and that comfortable box we’ve been living in becomes uncomfortably small. All it takes is a change in one area to get the ball rolling toward a fuller, more satisfying life.

It’s Your Life….Own It! shares exercises to assist you, should you decide you desire changes in your life. The book and my other work is available on my website

The Toughest Decision I’ve Made

Sometimes you don't feel the weight

christiebakeman.com

When I came to the conclusion that my marriage was over there was a strange combination of relief and fear.  I was over 50 and had been married for 27 years.  I’m not one that jumps onboard the bandwagon of my mind when a contrary thought skitters through it.  I’m contemplative.  I examine most issues from multiple perspectives and often this takes some time.  Just so you know up front, I’m not trying to wash my dirty laundry here.  My intent is to allow you to understand the process for such a weighty decision, should you ever find yourself in a similar circumstance.

Our beliefs about marriage greatly influence both the effort we put forth and the level of what we will tolerate.  My intent in the beginning was till death do us part.  I grew up thinking that was how it was supposed to be.  Even though my parents divorced, I still believed it was possible to stay with that special someone until the very end of this life.  My brothers and I frequently discussed how all of us had been married longer than our parents.  There was a collective pride that all of us were achieving something our parents couldn’t.  Those beliefs kept me stuck like a piece of toast hung up on the side of the toaster.  Knowing there was a purpose beyond the edge but requiring something to prod me above the lip.

That nudge came in the form of recognizing I was unhappy.  I write about this wake up call in my book, It’s Your Life….Own It! so I’ll leave the details out.  However I will explain why I didn’t know I was unhappy.  Whatever we are used to on a daily basis becomes our normal, this is especially true when you’ve been living the same way for years.  We develop habits and behaviors that allow us to cope.  Many of us are busy with careers and family so we simply don’t take the time to ask if it could be different.  We accept our lot in life as situations repeat themselves producing the same results.  At that time I wouldn’t have described myself as unhappy but I was and I was doing my best to cope with it….until I couldn’t.

Once the lid of recognition is open, you can’t just close it again and pretend you are unaware.  A choice must be made.  I had to examine if I could get a different result if I put in more effort and really made my marriage a priority.  Of course that would require the other person to be just as willing.  In short order (a few months) it became obvious that wasn’t going to happen.  When I made the decision that divorce was my best option, it brought me some relief, actual physical relief.  That is how I knew I was headed in the right direction.  As I started making a mental action plan and began taking small steps, I continued to feel better.

The key to knowing if you are making the best decisions involve recognizing how you feel.  The emotional guidance system we all have works for us, if we listen.  The true you holds a grand picture of who you are and the more in alignment you become, the better you will feel.  A decision that makes you feel worse is only pointing out that you are moving away from being in alignment with yourself.

As the fears of my decision began to surface, and there were several, I had to deal with them one at a time.  My biggest fear was damaging the relationship with my children.  I’d seen too many circumstances where the children were used as pawns or forced to take sides.  My goal was for my sons to understand my choice, not necessarily agree with it.  Honest conversations where I allowed them to ask pointed questions resolved that fear.  Had they been younger, it may have been different. Of course our children are aware of the disfunction of our relationships, far more so than we give them credit for.

My next biggest fear may seem silly to those who knew me but I was afraid of living alone.  I’d been part of a couple for over half my life and honestly I didn’t know who I would be outside that unit.  It wasn’t about being able to support myself, I could easily do that.  It was about figuring out who Christie was as a person and what I wanted out of life.  Vague concepts like being happy and fulfilled were goals but the details were a blur.  I knew I wanted something different yet that step into the unknown was scary.

The next blog will share steps I took to feel whole again.

 

Thoughts Impact Your Health!

you are where your thoughts brought you

I don’t know about you, but I grew up believing that diseases were inherited.  However recent scientific data proves that is only the case about 5% of the time.  What really makes a difference is what you think about your own health and I’m talking about both your self talk and what you say to others.  Your language also makes a difference.  The universe doesn’t recognize don’t, never and no especially when there is strong emotion behind your statements.  The law of attraction brings you what you are focused on, meaning the situation or circumstance that has your attention.

Let me tell you a story to make my point.  I had a close friend who I’ll call Cal.  When Cal was a teenager his father passed away at the young age of 46.  Once Cal had a family of his own he began worrying that he would have the same fate.  He repeatedly said out loud that he would never leave his children without a father.  Cal would talk about his father dying young and say it wouldn’t happen to him.  Because of his concern he made sure that he got regular checkups and he lived a relatively healthy lifestyle.  He didn’t smoke, drank alcohol only on occasion and exercised.  Yet, his mental focus was still on not letting some horrible disease sneak up on him.  At age 40, he began having health issues and a variety of doctors couldn’t agree on what was causing them.  He was visiting doctors at least twice per month.  Three days after his cardiologist gave him a clean bill of health he passed away at 43 years old.  He did exactly what he said he wouldn’t…..left his children without a father.

If this was the only person I observed this happen to, maybe I would think differently.  However I’ve witnessed the law of attraction bring multiple people what they were focused on.  When you use the words never or don’t want, please recognize that you are putting energy and focus on that thing you are trying to push away.  Whatever we resist, persists. That’s the tough part especially when we feel so strongly about anything, including our health.  We receive what we are attracting with our beliefs and our thoughts.  When someone dies at a young age we often will hear about how unfair life is.

This world that we live in is fair, you just have to understand the rules.  I’m talking about the operating system that we live within.  You get what you focus your energy and attention on and if those desires are coupled with strong emotion, unseen forces go to work to bring it to you.  Pay attention to your thoughts and learn how to focus on what it is that you really desire.  Having gratitude for your health is a good start.  Learn more about making the rules of the universe work in your favor by learning how your beliefs affect your results.  My book, It’s Your Life….Own It! shares concepts about improving your health as well as other areas of your life.  Check out my author page to learn more.

Manifesting Requires Faith

Have faith....universe supports you in every way

The most difficult part of creating something new in your life is to have faith.  The lack of faith is the reason people don’t believe the law of attraction works for them.  Typically this is the scenario.  I come up with a desire and send that out into the universe, maybe I even share it with another person.  I think about what it is that I want, why I want it and how it will benefit me and others.  I focus on the result but can’t help also focusing on the details.  Then I wonder about the hows.  That’s when the doubts start marching into my mind like soldiers from a conquering land.  With them, they carry the why’s of why my dream isn’t possible.  My logical mind starts pointing out my current reality and before you know it, doubt has taken over, placing me on a fence of my manifestation.  I will surely fall off this fence on the side of my beliefs.  Without faith I fall back into my current reality – the one I’m trying to escape.

Sound familiar?  We all experience this scenario at some point for different reasons.  It could be that you lack confidence in your abilities.  It could be that you aren’t convinced that you deserve to have your desires manifest.  It could be that your beliefs about yourself don’t benefit you any longer and need to change.  I can’t tell you the why.  What I can tell you is that change is possible if accompanied by faith.

Faith is simply a belief in something that you can’t see or touch even though you know it exists.  Are there things you already experience faith in?  Maybe it is a higher power such as God.  Maybe you have faith that your children will do the right thing.  You may have faith that a particular candidate will follow through on their promises.  My point is that each of us experiences faith in something outside of ourselves and we can apply that same principle to our own creation.

When you decide to create anything you do so with a bit of faith that it is needed, will fill a gap or will be beneficial to you or others.  Let’s revisit the scenario from above.  You decide that you are going to follow through with a dream.  You love it and are passionate about this dream.  You send it out into the universe, including telling others because the spoken word is powerful.  You focus on the result; what your life looks like once this dream is achieved and how you feel.  Capture that feeling and that picture in your head so it is the only option.  You create this new reality in your mind.  You “know” that the universe is handling the hows and will provide opportunities to move you closer.  You take faith filled action each day to contribute to the manifestation of your dream.  You believe you are on the correct path for you and when those soldiers of doubt approach, you have faith that the fortress of your mind is strong enough to hold them at bay until the point that you begin to experience your new reality.  No need to fight the soldiers at that point, let them die from the natural cause of your dream being realized.

If this writing resonates with you, check out my website and join our community.

Fulfilling A Purpose

Sometimes you don't feel the weight

Have you ever wanted to do something, but you kept putting it off?  Procrastination takes hold and life gets in the way.  Before you realize it, your dream was moved to the back burner in someone else’s kitchen.  You know that desire is still there somewhere, because it nags at the back of your mind, interjecting itself into your thoughts at unexpected times.  It calls to you, in a soft subtle voice that nobody else hears.  That idea has substance and a weight that isn’t measured in pounds but rather attention units.  Always present, yet never in the forefront of your mind because you’ve chosen to put your focus elsewhere.  Miraculously, this desire doesn’t die from neglect.  It can’t if it is truly part of you.  It grows in imperceptible ways, waiting for the right time to spring forth demanding you notice it once again.  Demanding that you take action.

This was how writing was for me.  Even though I’ve written my entire life, it was for myself.  Sometimes others would receive heartfelt letters or I’d share a short story with a friend for whom it was written, but sharing my thoughts outside an intimate group wasn’t something I did.  As I became focused on my career, my marriage and then children, there wasn’t time to write.  To be honest, I didn’t make time.  When my boys started school, the desire to write resurfaced.  I had this crazy idea to write a novel.  I wasn’t in a good place mentally however I found the writing cathartic.  That novel was never published, nor should it have been.  When I reread it years later I decided it would need a total rewrite, however that probably won’t happen, because that writing was more about me healing than sharing a story.  Besides, the weight of the desire to write wasn’t unbearable yet so I put my efforts into other people.

When you concentrate on others it can be altruistic and cowardly at the same time.  I threw myself into volunteering first.  I found that the skills I’d honed in management positions were invaluable to organizations desperate for volunteers.  Whether it was the PTA, an alcohol/drug rehab or the foster care system, my planning skills coupled with my ability to communicate, filled gaps for them.  I was helping the organizations as well as individuals.  That was the altruistic part.  The more time I gave to others, the less I had to spend on improving myself.  Ah, the cowardly part.  If I was busy focusing on others I didn’t have to deal with my own fears, my own beliefs about myself and all those thoughts that weren’t benefiting me in any way.  I could effectively ignore that part of me, the one calling me to a life purpose, if I was contributing to the wellbeing of others.

There was something inside of me that I couldn’t ignore so I compromised with myself.  Whether you knew me thirty years ago or we just met in the past year, if we talked much at all, you figured out that I really wanted to help people, to be of service to them.  I want people to do well, to be happy for themselves.  Due to changes in our family situation, we closed our company and I began working for a large company.  Since I had this purpose of helping others hanging over my head, I concentrated on developing and training those who reported to me.  I’m direct enough that I cut through some of the excuses people give for not performing their best and we developed an incredible team.  If you are wondering what the compromise was, here it is.  At the same time we were achieving unprecedented results I was taking note of what worked and what didn’t, not only for the team but for myself.  At the time, I didn’t know that these would turn into exercises I incorporated into my book, It’s Your Life..Own It!

When a desire or a dream isn’t overwhelming, it’s easy to ignore.  That’s what I did for several years.  Even though I was making some journal entries of what was working well, I didn’t think about sharing them.  My grandmother used to tell me that when God closes a door, another one opens.  Well in my case, I felt like the universe decided I wasn’t moving fast enough to the next door so a series of events occurred which put me on my current path.  It started with a fateful Saturday when it took me fifteen minutes to recognize a feeling that overwhelmed me……happiness.  Now there’s a wake up call, when you don’t immediately recognize happiness when it shows up.  That gives you a small hint at the state of my life at that point.  That incident, which I wrote about, provided the motivation for me to take a serious look at my life and decide what I was going to create for the future.

Deciding what you desire to create in your life sounds much easier than it is.  Before I could develop a clear picture for the future I had to do some mental housecleaning.  That cowardly part of me actually suggested we just keep living in our little status quo box but it was too late for that.  I had to confront my fears, my mental blocks and I had to remember how to dream again.  Once that door to possibilities was open I was flooded with ideas, concepts and plans which I had no idea how to execute.  I traveled a great deal for my job so I began writing down everything that was coming to me.  Sometimes I wrote in a notebook on my lap as I drove and other times I would use the dictation feature on my phone and record notes.  If I was on my computer when these ideas came to mind, I sent myself an email so I could get it out of my head and refer to it later.  That is how the book started.

It wasn’t until I made further changes in my life that I had the time to organize all of these random thoughts.  My attempts were thwarted by my own self doubts as new fears arose.  However fears weaken as passion grows.  The more I focused on the message and helping others, the more passionate I became and with that my fears were lessened.  Then something interesting happened.  As I completed chapters of the book I felt as if a weight was lifting off of me.  I’m sure that some will read the quote at the beginning of this blog and think about negative situations that need to be released.  The opposite is just as true.  When a purpose is carried without giving it the attention and focus it requires, it weighs on our psyche until it is allowed to flourish and find it’s place in the world.

I wrote It’s Your Life..Own It! so that others could recognize that they too have the ability to create the life they desire.  You may have dreams and desires that are weighing on you and demanding to be released.  You don’t have to know all the hows, I sure didn’t.  You do have to start, first by recognizing what makes you happy and then taking steps to move toward that.  I want to share what I’ve learned so your journey is shorter than mine.  You can visit my website ChristieBakeman.com to see other things I have to share.